Concert etiquette / offenses

[StoneMtn]

DJ Mopo from the "Bay Area's Concert Etiquette," which he put in his weekly journal after seeing a P-Funk show at the Fillmore...

11:23PM: Etiquette at concerts has always been a quandary of mine. I personally go to shows to SEE THE BAND/DJ etc and though I like to get down, I am probably overly annoyed by "That Guys" who want the attention on them in the audience. Here are five "That Guys" that really raise my heckles:

"The Whistler" -He's the guy who hails a New York City taxi every time he gets excited, often RIGHT into your ear and often during a solo or something when you are trying to listen.

Punishment: 6 month sentence as a New York City door man.

"The Screamer" - Like the whistler, except this guy doesn't know HOW to whistle. So he yells throughout the show, usually during solos and again, in your EAR. He's often seen at Les Claypool shows going "Fuck yeah LES! You RUUUUUUULE!

Punishment: Muzzle

"Sweaty guy" - He's hairy, he's dancing and he's sweating profusely all over himself and anyone near him. It's tough to dislike this guy cause he IS OBVIOUSLY FUNKIER THAN YOU. I just would hope that he keep his shirt on and bring a towel.

Punishment: 6 month sentence as locker-room attendant for a pro football team

"Ecstasy Girl" - She's rolling WAY too hard. Usually you meet her when she does the "swim move" around or through you to get to the front. She's also smoking constantly and yapping away instead of paying attention to the band. They're extremely prevalent at Karl Denson shows.

Punishment: Forced conversion to acid. At least she'll learn something along the way.

"Stoner Squids" - These are the guys who gave pot a bad name. They smoke constantly, and only the best ridiculous kush stuff which they can break down by kingdom, genome, phylum and species, bragging about the UC Berkeley-trained botanist who grew it, or the rattlesnakes they fought to pick them up in Mendo'. BUT THEY NEVER SHARE, even if you stoop low and ask. "Ah sorry bro, there's not enough to go around."

Punishment: 6 months of Mexican brown swag

"Wastoids" - The other guys who give pot a bad name. These ones just can't stop smoking, even when they're already stoned. They're the stoner equivalent of an obese shut-in, like that guy in Seven. They're usually "Sweaty Guys" too and their inebriation makes them impossible to deal with. They're usually the ones lighting up in front of cops on a street corner and getting a whole party shut down. If they're tall, they have a hat on and keep swing back and forth right in front of you. If they're short, they're leaning on you or your girl to keep their balance.

Punishment: 6 Months on a Mormon retreat in the Utah desert

"The tall guy" - Look, I'm about 6'2" and thus, I seldom ever stand anywhere but in the back of a house, row etc because I feel bad for the people behind me. And yet there are always 6'8" guys who have no compunction at all about standing right in front of little 5'2" elves. PLUS, they sway back and forth throughout the show so even if you have a V-vision around the shoulder, it only lasts a minute. There ends up being an "aisle" behind them.

Punishment: Amuputation at the knees

"The player" - This is the guy(s), (usually they come in pairs actually) that came to the show to get women. NOT TO SEE THE SHOW. They don't care much for the band and instead spend the whole show macking on every lady they see, including those who have a nice groove on, including girls with boyfriends, including the poor cocktail waitress whose fighting through 300 people to bring you a PBR. These guys belong at bars, NOT clubs.

Punishment: Marriage

"The Pry Bar" - So you finally have a good groove on and you and the folks in front of you (perhaps your significant other) have given each other a little bit of space between you. Not a LOT of space, but enough so that you can dance without doing the "bump". Then the "Pry Bar" arrives and slips in right in front (usually between songs when you aren't actively dancing). He stays there even though he's uncomfortably close to your genitals when you start dancing. Often it only takes some vigorous movement to get them to leave. Other times They make everyone AROUND them move to make space. This is particularly troubling when they are ALSO a "PLAYER" and pry in between you and your girl.

Punishment: Locked in a filing cabinet for 2 weeks.

"Dicks like Me" - Guys like me who can't stand all these other "That Guys" and send out bad vibes at them in a mental attempt to get them to leave the general vicinity.

Punishment: Dealing with above "That Guys"

Look, it's not that hard to be a productive member of the concert community. Enjoy yourself, behave yourself, and be considerate of those around you. Don't stand in front of someone shorter than you, take off your hat in a crowd, and share share share what you have. When your going to the bar, offer to get water. Cheer between songs or at least AFTER solos. And for god sakes, wear some deodorant

[FairySari]

Hahaha I recently had the tall guy in front of my little elfish self at the Opera House. He stood squarely in front of me so that my nose was about an inch away from the middle of his back. (edit to add: he came up from behind and stood there. i guess he was also the pry bar guy). Eventually I wound up in front of him, which was a lot nicer. he must have been AT LEAST 6'8, and I'm 5'4 (on a good day).

The worst, and not on that list, was the couple who were basically doin' it on the dance floor directly behind me, so that they were humping me from behind. I tried to move beside, but then I guess the girl was enjoying it so much that she started swinging her head around like she was headbanging or something, and she had super long sweaty hair which kept whipping my face. Seriously guys, do you NEED to have your hand down your girl's pants at a sweaty crowded concert? It was nicer to be behind the tall guy.

Edited May 30, 2006 by Guest

[Davey Boy 2.0]

that's brilliant

oh god, what would he think of an ottawa bluesfest crowd?!?

::

he'd have 2 paragraphs on the lawnchairs alone

[deranger]

I'm a whistler. I don't whistle during solos. I do at the end of songs or at the end of a particularly good solo (if it deserves it) And yes it is loud and piercing and annoying. Sorry.

[afro poppa]

they should add to that list

"Dancing Afro Guy" - I am sure I manage to piss a few people off with my hair...I try and accomadate but there are only so many people you can please at one time

[Birdy]

The worst, and not on that list, was the couple who were basically doin' it on the dance floor directly behind me, so that they were humping me from behind. I tried to move beside, but then I guess the girl was enjoying it so much that she started swinging her head around like she was headbanging or something, and she had super long sweaty hair which kept whipping my face. Seriously guys, do you NEED to have your hand down your girl's pants at a sweaty crowded concert? It was nicer to be behind the tall guy.

haha! i was at a death cab concert recently and had this couple beside me who were literally, like LITERALLY, all over each other... she was feeding him ice cubes from her empty drink glass with her index finger and watching intently as he literally sucked her finger off... it was hilarious. i thought they were going to go at it at any given moment.

exctasy girls are funny. and exctasy boys too... especially when they get that crazy 'what the f' face on them when security starts to strong hold them cause they're acting like THAT big of an idiot.

[phorbesie]

"Sweaty guy" - He's hairy, he's dancing and he's sweating profusely all over himself and anyone near him. It's tough to dislike this guy cause he IS OBVIOUSLY FUNKIER THAN YOU. I just would hope that he keep his shirt on and bring a towel.

lol

[Super Freak]

Do people really care that much about how others choose to enjoy the show? I can see the annoyance of the peeps shaggin' on the dance floor and bumping into your crotch, etc, but whistling and what not? I'm tall, does that mean people have been getting pissed at me for years and I am just an inspiration for some bitter guys reason to be miserable?

What do I care...I'll be the tall, uberstoned, whistling e-girl porking my boyfriend at the front of the stage. Bring it.

[Im going home Donny]

Hairy guys rule! Sexy beasts.

'The Pry Bar'.....ugh yes

'Dicks like me' made me howl

[Birdy]

What do I care...I'll be the tall, uberstoned, whistling e-girl porking my boyfriend at the front of the stage. Bring it.

lol... awesome!

[mattm]

That was great, hehehe, I often wonder if I fall into some sort of category like that. I'm not sure, hope not but don't really care. I'm there for the music and it does what it does to me.

I'm 5'10 and constantly plagued by tall guy (you poor folks that are shorter) but as long as they aren't the pry-bar guy, what can I do? They can't help being tall and to deny anyone music and the choice to dance, I just don't know.

Edited May 30, 2006 by Guest

[Booche]

Not so much a type of an attendee, but I have always hated:

The Greasy Wookie Fart

[Weirdness]

...story of my life...

-definitely the tall guy, not the one who stands at the back of the room though, and the sway thing is bang on too. I like to think of it as being genetically engineered for concert going. Could be the evolution of the concert goer too, my folks are both 5'4"...

Very accurate commentary, great find man!!!

[MoMack]

I yell. And I'm proud of it. Shows suck when people don't yell.

And no, I don't know how to whistle. There. I said it.

[Calamity Jane]

StoneMtn...you definitely nicked the best of the article for your new signature!

funny, indeed. Funny to recognize many of these "types".....

my least fav among them: the "player" (though I prefer the more accurate term, "asshole") a perfect example of whom was at CTMF who pinched gals' asses, then ripped mattm's toenail off in a drunken stumble. Why don't these assholes go where most other assholes hang out....techno clubs???

as for the tall dancing ones....always been an interesting discussion between Dave and I. Dave, (for those who know him well, this comes as no surprise) ALWAYS thinks of others and their needs before his own, hence, he always stands at the back at a show.....whereas I'm short and love to groove, so am usually found up front. The rub? I love to groove with my man! Sometimes I do succeed in pulling him up front with me, but I know he feels guilty about it, about obstructing others' view. I think this is also why we both prefer smaller shows/festivals...you have so much more space (and far fewer sketch bags to deal with) in front of the stage.

I'm interested in others' perspectives on the "tall dancing type"

[phorbesie]

of course it's frustrating when a super tall person is standing right in front of me, but i don't feel any anger towards the person himself, it's not his (/her) fault for being tall, and if they want to stand up close they should be able to as well.

[afro poppa]

of course it's frustrating when a super tall person is standing right in front of me, but i don't feel any anger towards the person himself, it's not his (/her) fault for being tall, and if they want to stand up close they should be able to as well.

yes!! i like this attitude

[phorbesie]

people with tall hair, on the other hand, well i just won't tolerate those in front of me!

j/k

if there's a tall dude in front of me, well he got there first. or i can always try to get in front of him somehow...

ooh lucky 777s...better post no more tonight and buy a lotto ticket tomorrow!

Edited May 31, 2006 by Guest

[hamilton]

haha! i was at a death cab concert recently and had this couple beside me who were literally, like LITERALLY, all over each other... she was feeding him ice cubes from her empty drink glass with her index finger and watching intently as he literally sucked her finger off... it was hilarious. i thought they were going to go at it at any given moment.

I actually did see two people having sex at the CNE during a Depeche Mode concert, circa 1990. She was wearing a mid-length skirt, and she just slipped her panties down around her ankles and sat facing forwards on the dude's lap. They weren't very quiet either, although I think I was one of only a handful of people who actually noticed. Good times!

[Alexis]

i'm tall, not that tall, but tall, i've never really thought about it. if someone said somethign to me about it, like they did to my 6 foot friend "uhhh, i've been here the whole show, and you're tall and i can't see, move. and stop dancing!" i would kindly tell them to go fack themselves and probably purposely stand right in front of them, for how long would depend entirely on how rude they were.

i'm very considerate of others when i go to shows. and i expect others to obsere the same rules. i'll enforce em, and have been enforced myself....but honestly, i'm with super freak on this one!

[bokonon]

super freak and dancin' jeremy can usually be found groovin near the front of wherever they are and personally i think they add to the show. and i'm short-ish at five five. they're enthusiastic fans and they're nice so do it up! Mind you, i've never seen them pork each other on the floor. That's a whole other kind of show.

[edger]

I'm with you on this one Deb. I can pretty much stand anything other than being groped and violated on the dance floor. Grant it, when it is crowded, guys are liable to "accidentally" rub up against you on occassion, that I can deal with. But buddy at CTMF was way out of line, and certainly was not open to taking any subtle suggestions to shape up. I had to rev up the bad vibe filter a couple of notches so that he didn't ruin my time...

mission was accomplished.

Matt, how's that toe coming along?

[StoneMtn]

I actually did see two people having sex at the CNE during a Depeche Mode concert, circa 1990. She was wearing a mid-length skirt, and she just slipped her panties down around her ankles and sat facing forwards on the dude's lap. They weren't very quiet either, although I think I was one of only a handful of people who actually noticed. Good times!

I'm shocked by this story.

You went to a Depeche Mode concert?

[mattm]

The toe is ugly but good, thanks.

Dave is more than welcome at the front and I doubt there is anyone that would contest that (just look at him dance, there's too much soul in there to deny him).

You have to admit, sex right in the middle of a wicked set would be quite fun, though it may bother others, the euphoria from the combination of live music and natural ecstacy would, I should think, be quite mind blowing.

Edit: Just noticed what stonemtn said above, hehehe

Edited May 31, 2006 by Guest

[Davey Boy 2.0]

ssooooooooooo are you into depeche mode too then, mattm?

::eyebrows up::